Let's catch up.

It feels like a lifetime has went by since I last wrote on here. Things are so very different now. I met the love of my life, I'm in the relationship I wanted in one of my first post's. He makes my crazy (sometimes in a bad way) but I've came to realize that is love. This November will be 4 years with him. Our love story is a very unique one, it all started with a dog bone. You see I was still working at the station and noticed a very cute guy, he came in all the time and I tried and tried to get him to notice me it didn't work I only annoyed him (that's what it felt like) well one day while I was checking him out (no pun intended) an old man by the name of LK Hill came in and said "is that your dog out there?" Chase said "yes" LK replied "that's a nice looking dog" and him and chase walked out to see her. I told the girl working with me that if they were still out there by the time I was done emptying all the garbage cans I was gonna take the puppy a dog bone. I was somewhat hoping they would be gone but they were still there. I got in my big girl panties and took that pup a bone, found out her name was Cedar and walked back inside.  A day passed and in walked that cute cute guy and did the same routine except this time while checking him out he says "well my dog likes you, can I have your number" and with trembling hands I scribbled my name and number down. It felt like a week had went by before I got a text from him (one day). We talked for awhile before I was over at his place it was his brothers birthday and I don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life. Since that day we have spent 9 days apart. He has became my world, my lover and my best friend. We have had many fun adventures and some bad ones. We went camping up the Uintas. It rained all four days we were there! We stuck it out through the cabin fever and made it a great trip. I got some pretty awesome pictures, I'll have to post them when I get them on my iPad. We seen a small bull moose Chase got close to get pictures so I wanted to I think I got three till I heard "stomp stomp" I ran so fast I don't think my feet hit the ground! His momma was right there! She could have got me. On our way back home that's when the real fun began... We were driving and noticed smoke coming from the trailer! We were on fire!! We stopped and luckily had some water to put out the fire. We were lucky it didn't torch the whole thing, thinking that was the last of the bad luck we started our journey back home and "pop" flat tire! And of course we didn't have a spare. We had to take the trailer off and take the 30 minute drive to town found a tire place and of course a 50 tire quickly became 100 for being in the middle of no where. As we got back to the trailer changed the tire we thought it was smooth sailing home, and it was up until we hit the driveway. Chase was backing the trailer up and he ran into his ranger! This is where out saying " the Uintas chewed us up and spit us out!" came from you'll hear that a lot. Since we have been together things have changed so much. I am happy I got a pretty good job, we got a house a shop and a boat! We added Dixie to our furr children. We have went on some pretty fun fishing trips and I have killed 2 deer he's killed a deer an elk and a bear. And we have been on family hunts. I am very happy to say that its finally happened. I have found my best friend the one my soul loves, my soul mate.

            Just a lil of us. I promise I won't be a                            stranger no more.

I'm ranting.

Life is an always changing emotional roller coaster. You can go from one of the most loved to the least liked in a matter of moments.
You can go from being grandpa's little girl to the one who talks to much.
You can have something happen that scares you to death of the thing you love most.
 You can go from being a little shit to having someone tell you the best thing to do is be gone.
You can go to not seeing or talking to them in months and months to being there whenever they need you.
And you can go from the one that's there to help anyone out, to the one that's not appreciated.
It just sucks when your trying to do everything you can for your family, yet you looked down upon.
I have a shit job yes I know this, but I am looking and with the dept i'm dealing with now I cant just walk out of a job I gotta first get it taken care of,  of cause I know I'm not making lots of money BUT it is money coming in!
Than I get snarled at asking why I wasn't here or there, I don't always have weekends off.
Sorry I couldn't go on the ride last Sunday, I had work! the Sunday before that I thought Grandpa should have someone to talk to I didn't know Russ was going, Grandpas best man died he took it hard.... we don't talk that much, Him and Shad they talk. What good would I be going on that ride, I found out later that Russ was gonna go, but still why should I go on a ride that my grandpa needed with people to talk to?
I have a lot of demons I'm fighting with, the not knowing my dad but hearing stories, the having my grandpa be there and than me breaking my head on a horse bouncing back as soon as the dr okay'd it and than it feeling like he was criticizing everything i was doing and when i got nervous or messed up I got yelled at, to him telling me I should just leave. Than the whole thing with Virg leaving us. I'm trying to be there for everyone but you guys don't really know how hard it is me dealing with Virg, It was the one night I left him alone, he left all of us.... And I want to ride my horse but I want to do it alone where I have no one to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to be the one that I should have been if i never went away, but its hard when I'm still bein looked down on every single day. You think you  know me try for one day to be in my head and deal with what I have to everyday. Maybe than I'd get treated a lil better.

Life.

There are so many choices in life, who's to say you'll make the right one?
I've left a lot of guys in my life, Some may have been the one.
But thinking back on someone you were with forever ago and than meeting up with em again can be good or it can be bad.
Time makes you forget things, some things you should remember.
I'm at a weird point in my life where I can't make up my mind.
Everything I do I second guess myself.
I'm happy one moment and not the next
I need time by myself so I can figure out that's going on with me.
Maybe it's that saying that you've gotta make yourself happy before you can be happy with someone else?
kinda deal but I'm ready to make myself happy and not worry about anyone else for awhile.
I donno I guess I should just get used to always thinking did I make the right choice.

Alex ♥

I adore this boy. Everyday he say's "has anyone told you your beautiful " He's always telling me how good I look (even when I've got no make up on my hairs a mess and I'm in grungy clothes) He takes me to do fun things. Yesterday we went to the parade with my lil brother Brody, After the parade we went to the park to go see all the cars, booths and let Brody play some games. Than after taking Brody home and feedin the animals we got cleaned up and watched some fireworks. I loved it we were in his friends backyard right next to the pond where they were settin them off at and it looked like it was rainin down on us. Than after the fireworks he came home with me and we cuddled and watched movies. I love bein around him. He makes me so happy I don't know how things could get better than this. I'm so thankful that I have found a good guy, I've been with so many bad guys and uncaring guys. It's nice to have someone who treats me right.

Has a boyfriend.. yeah that's right you read it right. It's still a surprise to me to be honest. His name is Alex, He's pretty amazing so far lol. We've been hangin out for awhile now maybe 2 months maybe a lil longer and things have been simple. When I'm with him I'm actually happy. Haven't felt this way in awhile, He makes me laugh and is okay with me bein my goofy self. I really like that I can be myself around him and not have to worry about what he thinks. He's seen me when I look all pretty and when I feel not so pretty (no make up, messed up hair, and in sweats) But yet he still say's I'm beautiful. We've went on some fun adventures so far so pics will be up soon. I'll keep ya'll updated on how things are and post some pics of him on here when I get the chance.  And I'd like to add that he is/was a bronc & bull rider, He's just on a break from injury, He also has dark hair and he say's hazel eye's but they look blue to me. Ah life is is good.

Growing up..

Growing up is sometimes letting go of old friends, making new memories and making new connections with people. Lately I've felt so alone didn't think I had anyone who cared. But recently I've had an overwhelming feelin of peace and I'm thinkin that I'm finally on the right path. I'll always miss the ones that I leave behind but I'm startin to think that maybe I'm leavin them behind cause they've been holdin me back. I want to have a life of my own and of the person that I am today not the one I was in the past. I think that I deserve more than what I was gettin out of that situation. I want to be happy. I want to reach for my goals and pull them in, even tho people think I'm crazy for what I want But it's somethin that i'm passionate about and somethin that my daddy loved doin. I hope to become a stock contractor and once I pay off all my dept I'm goin to make that happen. I not only want to do stock contractin but I also wanna start a school for troubled kids so that they can come to my place for the summer and work with the horses and other sorts of animals to help build character and  responsibility. I want to be loved like I've never been loved before and for the ones that know me you might find that and what I'm about to say a shocker, but I also really want to be a mother. I've always said I don't want to get married or have any kids, well I've secretly always wanted that c'mon what girl doesn't I've just been so guarded that I thought I'd never find someone that I could actually be with. This was also when I was so picky about the guys I wanted in my life and when I didn't trust anyone. Now I know that the one's I had in my life were bad news I was just so dumb that I thought that they really wanted to be with me. Now that I trust everyone unless they give me a reason not to and that I know that it is possible to find a sweet guy out there, that is what I'm wantin. I want someone that'll think i'm sexy when I'm at my worst, someone who'll make me break out of my shell and be more myself. Someone who'll make me laugh, smile and cry when he's not close to me. I'm sick of being used or treated like I'm a last call. I want to be someone's only call. I want to be someone's everything and have them be my everything. It truly is the one thing that I want most from life! The most beautiful things shared between two people who just happen to be right for each other and be able to complete one another.. I want love. I'm tired of bein alone, sure I've got lots of people around me but I still feel alone. I want to find the man that makes my world complete the man that I can't live without. If you're out there I'm ready and I'll be waitin for you to walk into my life so that we can start our beautiful life together. 
: To my family, yes I'm not as tough as I act.....

never let the fear of strikin out. Keep you from playin the game.

I'm always so scared to open up to guys and let them know how I feel. I've lost a couple real good guys cause I seem to push them away or completely shut down and not let them in. I've known I've had this problem ever since my first serious relationship ended. I no longer trusted not only guys but girls too I turned into a hermit. I was workin out alright (bein single) up until losin my best friend than I cut everyone out of my life, didn't trust anyone except my family. I still met guys just didn't let them know me or develop feelins for them. But after losin Virg I'm way more reserved. I hardly let anyone in except my beautiful Chelsey and my grammy. But I started hangin out with this guy named Jake, his brother was friends with Virg and Jake knows a lot about Virg. He also likes to do everything me and Virg used to. He's also super attractive and I like who I am when I'm around him. I just don't know how he feels about me. And I'm scared to let him know how I feel. I know I should tell him cause if I don't I'll regret it and I'll never know if I don't say it, I'm just scared of the out come of it all. I just really want to be happy. And I wanna be happy with him, Just don't know if he's happy with me. He is younger than me so I worry about him only likin me cause I'm old enough to buy beer or just the fact that an older girl is into him. Meeeeh I wish I could just listen to my heart instead of my heart gettin under heard cause I over think everything so much. I wish I could just get out of my head for awhile . 

Happy Birthday Daddy!

I just wanted you to know I miss you tons. I wish I could give you a big hug, But I can't.

 Even tho I can't see you, I know your always with me in my heart.

 God must have really needed you for he took you so soon. 

I never really got the chance to know you. 

Just know that I love you unconditionally. 

I wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice. 

I wish one day you'd come see me, But heaven's just too far away. 

I can't believe it's almost been 19 years since you left. 

I'll always love you, and I'll miss you till the day I  get to see you again.

 I'll always know your lookin over me, keepin me safe.

 I will always think of you and my love will always think of you, My love will never fade. 

I love you daddy and will you tell virg I miss him too. 

He tried to fill in your footsteps and did a pretty good job at it, But he left me alone again. 

So I've lost 2 dads this lifetime and I miss you both so much it hurts. 

Please kick his butt for me. Love and miss you so much words couldn't explain. 

I'll see ya on the other side. XOXO ♥ your little girl.
   ♥♥♥ April 13, 1970- May 14, 1993♥♥♥

Virg, I miss you so much. This song hurts every time I hear it. I wish I could have helped you more. You were so loved and your very very missed. Keep an eye on your kids, make sure they don't do anything too crazy. I haven't felt you around yet and it scares me. I hope your not mad at me for leaving that night, and I also hope your not mad at me for that Monday before you left, also I hope you don;t hate me for being rude to Darcie, I was really really upset and I was drinking and I just lost it.. I held your hand for so long until everyone left then I ended up going back in to say some goodbyes with the nurse. You were like my dad and I didn't want to have to lose two dads. But on the bright side I now have two amazing men looking out for me and the family up in heaven. I'm going to live my life to the fullest, and hunt lots of animals so that when I get up there I can share with you and my dad all the stuff I did. I love you uncle Virg, (or Dirgel, Since that's what I called you when I was younger.) Rest in peace.

R.I.P Uncle Virg.

Thursday February 16th I lost my uncle. He was much more than an uncle tho, He was the closest thing I ever had to dad and one of my best friends. I'll cherish all the memories I have with you, Like riding you like a horse when I was little, Going duck hunting with you in the freezing cold and you tellin me and Shad we should be warn cause you got us hot chocolate, And going on horse rides with you in the canyons. I'm so sad that I didn't get more memories. I was just gettin you back to the cool uncle you were when I was growin up. I miss you Virg till we meet again.

"When a person you love passes away

Look to the night sky on a clear day.

The star that to you, appears to be bright,

Will be your loved one, 

Looking upon you during the night.

The lights of heaven are what shows through

As your loved one watches all that you do.

When you feel lonely for the one that you love,

Look to the Heavens in the night sky above."