I'm ranting.

Life is an always changing emotional roller coaster. You can go from one of the most loved to the least liked in a matter of moments.
You can go from being grandpa's little girl to the one who talks to much.
You can have something happen that scares you to death of the thing you love most.
 You can go from being a little shit to having someone tell you the best thing to do is be gone.
You can go to not seeing or talking to them in months and months to being there whenever they need you.
And you can go from the one that's there to help anyone out, to the one that's not appreciated.
It just sucks when your trying to do everything you can for your family, yet you looked down upon.
I have a shit job yes I know this, but I am looking and with the dept i'm dealing with now I cant just walk out of a job I gotta first get it taken care of,  of cause I know I'm not making lots of money BUT it is money coming in!
Than I get snarled at asking why I wasn't here or there, I don't always have weekends off.
Sorry I couldn't go on the ride last Sunday, I had work! the Sunday before that I thought Grandpa should have someone to talk to I didn't know Russ was going, Grandpas best man died he took it hard.... we don't talk that much, Him and Shad they talk. What good would I be going on that ride, I found out later that Russ was gonna go, but still why should I go on a ride that my grandpa needed with people to talk to?
I have a lot of demons I'm fighting with, the not knowing my dad but hearing stories, the having my grandpa be there and than me breaking my head on a horse bouncing back as soon as the dr okay'd it and than it feeling like he was criticizing everything i was doing and when i got nervous or messed up I got yelled at, to him telling me I should just leave. Than the whole thing with Virg leaving us. I'm trying to be there for everyone but you guys don't really know how hard it is me dealing with Virg, It was the one night I left him alone, he left all of us.... And I want to ride my horse but I want to do it alone where I have no one to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to be the one that I should have been if i never went away, but its hard when I'm still bein looked down on every single day. You think you  know me try for one day to be in my head and deal with what I have to everyday. Maybe than I'd get treated a lil better.